To My Dearest Pizza, With Love

I am not ashamed to admit that I am finally in a happy, committed relationship. I know what you’re thinking. It’s not possible! Sacre bleu vat iz dis?!!

Trust me, I’m as surprised as you are, but he is simply the best thing to ever happen to me.

Of course, he is handsome, with just the perfect touch of bronze to his skin. His features are wonderfully defined, depending on his outfit du jour, of course.  I prefer him in his natural form, perhaps naked, but you could put anything  – fresh peppers, even – on his perfect body and he’d be irresistible.

His personal hygiene is impeccable. His scent is always fresh and manly, like a steamy, broad-shouldered lumberjack who has just accidentally stumbled into my kitchen. How many ladies are lucky enough to say that their man is this well groomed and clean? A far larger percent than are willing to admit it, I assure you.

If I am sad or upset, he lets me cry on his shoulder and comforts with his soft, warm touch. If I’m happy, he shares my joy. He’s always glad to indulge in copious piles of bacon with me, as I am a self-proclaimed meat lover. Get your mind out of the gutter. He’s always there for me, both physically and emotionally. When I come home from a long night of drinking, I call ahead, and by the time I arrive at my doorstep, he is waiting for me — hot and steamy. When I wake up from said long night of drinking, with a hangover from hell, he is right there in bed, by my side, surrounded by bacon flakes. If that isn’t a perfect Sunday morning, I don’t know what is.

His jokes are admittedly cheesy, but I love a good laugh and I can’t stop smiling when he is around. The way he looks at me, makes me weak at the knees. Truly, one glance from his green olive eyes, and I am one breath short of fainting.

Movie night? We can snuggle up and watch a chick flick under my blanket, with a bottle of Zinfandel (or two). Date night? Any Italian restaurant with dim candlelight suffices, as we whisper sweet nothings into one another’s ear. Girls’ night out? He meets me at the end of the evening and accompanies me home. What a gentleman!

He absolutely satisfies me size wise. Do I desire 8″? 10″? 12″? PARTY SIZE? Don’t get me started on that. He’s truly a master of his craft. I don’t think I’ll ever go back to my old lovers and ways.

How could I? Everything I want in a lover, I have right here at my fingertips, twenty four hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.

So, my dearest pizza, never stop being the oven-kissed, beautiful creature that you are. Promise to never leave me until I am old and senile. If I could write music, I would compose you a sonnet, but alas a simple prose piece shall suffice for now. I know we are destined for each other and will spend the remainder of our lives side by side, hand in hand. I can’t imagine a life without you or with anyone else, I’m an absolute fool, head over heels in love with you. This is a love everyone should strive for, a love everyone should experience at least once in their lifetime.

God damn, I am one lucky woman.